As you know, we have to write 5 poems for L.A. and I do not like a single poem that I wrote, so I am going to keep posting poems as I write them and you tell me which ones are your top 5. Ready? Go!
Little stars
Wondering why I am here
When everyone else plays
I am constantly taken back to space
Why do you say I deserve it when I know I don’t?
I never liked space so these stars mean nothing to me
Aside from the pain you cause me
And my misery
I see your blows hitting someone I know
But I never feel
I want to tell you to stop
I want to stop you myself
But how do you pull the plug on a cordless machine?
You let the battery die.
It
What in life causes us to lose our conscious selves and become a soul?
Floating aimlessly through the skies in the hopes of finding...
Is it love, is it peace, is it consolation, or is it desolation?
What in life causes us to leave our safe haven and head into the war zone?
Is it our ego, our pride- or a solstice for our bodies as we evaporate into the infinity
Leaving our masochism behind and resuming our search for...
It--
A force so powerful God would be envious
So vast- countries would kill to conquer it
So great you would detach yourself from your body to glimpse it
But the questions still remain-
What must we win in life to have it
What must we sacrifice in life to have it
...What is it?
30 comments:
Oooooooooohthelasttwolinesaregenius.
Anyways, it's good but the rhythm's a bit...off?
I know. I need to find some way to fix it, or it can be a free verse.
It is a free verse, technically.
But there's no rhythm.
-checks own poem-
1st poem:is fine
2nd:needs revising badly.
Yep, so we all have rhythm issues.
(which is weird since we're in band)
Yeah, my second one is alright but the first one needs some work.
Yay at the second one!
But in the last bit(2nd last verse), I would take out the "It is" so it looks like this:
It--
A force so powerful God would be envious
So vast- countries would kill to conquer it
So great you would detach yourself from your body to glimpse it
IDK, just my 2 cents.
Sure. Anything to make it good.
It already is good though :P
Thanks, though I wish I could get Kraven's feedback.
We should find his email and spam him.
But then there's that whole thing about impregnating Carmen Electra.
Exactly. I don't think Carmen Electra needs that, though I do think his email address is on his dA, if he did not delete it already.
It probably is.
There is one on his Blogger profile and one on his dA profile, but they are both different.
Try the Blogger one.
Me? You try it.
Nope, sorry, too busy.
:D
I like 'em!
I like em too!. I would consider revising the phonics of your poems tho
-pokes-
I has a poems too!
(sorry, just desperate for criticism)
not a fan of the first one, but I definitely love the second.
Thanks everyone! I will work on your critiques and I should write a few more today- so keep reading. Also, if anyone did not get it, the first one is about getting beat up and having little stars surround your head. I have to fix the rhythm of it though.
XD I like both... ^.^
ummz...
if I had to choose...
the second one ^.^
Thanks Matt. I liked the second one too. I might have to redo the first one anyway because we have to be wary of the topics we choose. Our teacher is...
...actually doing something he should be.
Sorry, but it's true.
Of course if it's not blatantly obvious it might pass as OK.
I see...
O.O
and you're welcome :P
Reading the poems of the private problems of other kids? Yeah, every teacher should be doing that. Exploitation is a thing of the past. [Heavy sarcasm]
xD
It sucks because he SAID it was due on Thursday.
TOMORROW IS NOT THURSDAY.
No, no it is not.
He sucks.
I don't think, I know.
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