Do you ever have these days?

I don't feel right today. I managed to smile and laugh at school, but something feels wrong- oh so wrong. The merriment, the joyfulness, I feel as if it were all a façade and in reality- things are very different. How I went from happy-manga-reading-student to depressed-empty-lonely-teenager I have yet to fathom. It might have to do with the fact that I only managed to score an 89% on my French test or the fact that I haven't really been able to talk to anyone in a long time. The fact of the matter is, I feel depressed. Yes, I know you are all tired of hearing about sadness, though you must understand I am not forcing you to read any of this. Go now if you know you can't handle it, I won't mind.

I felt fine this morning, I was laughing on the bus ride... Walking to class I was also quite cheerful, and the same goes for my first period class- though the supply teacher did joke and say "Everyone was great, except you,". At the open house we had a while ago the teachers noticed I was a quiet and serious kid. Some said I needed to have more fun- others said they noticed I didn't really talk to anyone... If the teachers notice this stuff, that must mean something isn't right, no? I guess I agree. Though I delude myself in thinking I have friends and I am happy, it doesn't change the fact that I miss all of my old friends, and that I am lonely. I am a loner. I am too shy. I can't talk to anyone. Everyone in my classes already seems to have made friends like that and yet I still can't talk to anyone while running the track? I can't remember anybody's names? When I talk to people I wait for the moment they scornfully ask, "Why are you talking to me, loser?" or say something of that nature. I have no idea how I went from the confident, high-achieving kid, to a loner who spends each lunch in the library. I have no clue why they haven't asked me to pay rent yet, but I assume they will in time. I mean, I don't want to skip classes and go to Pizzaville, and I feel offended when people ask me to because I find myself thinking, "Do I look like the kid who would do that?" but I... I just feel so lonely. Even after having made quite a few friends I have no one to talk to. I don't have the initiative to mutilate my vocabulary just to interpret what the newest "dope" thing is. I want to be myself, and have friends who appreciate me for who I am, not who I should be. Is that too much to ask for?

I felt so happy today, and now? I feel- in the simplest of words- bad. I want summer vacation, I want school to be over. I- I want to fit in... Every few minutes I get alone I cry to myself. This is not normal is it?

It feels like an eternity since I was last hugged by someone, since I last laughed with someone, since I last talked to someone... I miss the friends with whom I could use words like "resilient" and "hamartia" and not get looks suggesting I read the dictionary for fun and I am a "niner". Believe me, I never thought the effect of a simple word would be so prominent. Being a freshman in high school is like having a disease. Everyone stays away from you, but mocks you for it.

There is so much I want in life, but friends are important too. I have no idea how I am going to survive 4 years of this mess. I want it to be over right now. I am not going to say I am looking for sympathy, but rather an outlet in which I can let loose my innermost feelings and not be ridiculed for them. My Twitter messages are not the most heart-warming nothings either. Anyway, I suppose I shall go to sleep now, but I can guarantee I will cry at least once more before bed.